THE EXTINCTION EVENT WEDDING PLANNER
Wedding Season is upon us!
(HAP/Quirky China News/REX)
Anticipating a global human annihilation threat on the greatest day of your life is as important as choosing your dress or selecting a caterer. The constant threat of global upheaval, social unrest, and climate-related tragedy suggest the symptoms of apocalyptic impending doom and cannot be ignored. With the recent uptick in climate-related devastation, that whole Coronavirus thing, the Middle East in the throes of revolution, California on notice about wildfires and superstorms, record-setting earthquakes in Turkey and Syria, China facing its' worst drought in 200 years, winter storms and aberrant balloons generally freaking everyone out--and Macy’s, Target, and Victoria’s Secret all closing more stores this year--forecasting a doomsday event, natural or man-made, is difficult. Managing all of the details of your wedding can be overwhelming with or without worrying about the Earth shattering to pieces. Preparing a strategic checklist will ensure you and your life partner will have a successful ceremony and reception, no matter what happens.
1. Splurge or Save? There's no way to be certain that the end times are upon us: the death of civilization as we know it could take millions of years, so it should not impact your budget if you dream of an elaborate wedding. Barring unforeseen cosmic events, famine, disease, war, terrorism, climate change, or machines achieving sentience and developing an army of rampaging murderbots to destroy mankind--you're still going to need a dress! Whether it's off-the-rack or Vera Wang, this is your special, special day and it's OK to spend a little.
2. Bridal Registry European espresso machines, designer dinnerware, and crystal candlestick holders are all very nice. If rogue state terrorists trick authorities into believing that the CIA tried to blow up the Sino-Russian oil pipeline triggering an all-out nuclear war, a gift certificate to any survivalist store is going to mean more to you than a bunch of copper pots from Williams-Sonoma. And typhoon jackets from the local ship chandlery will be both stylish and a practical deterrent against pummeling hydrometeorological fallout conditions.
3. Respecting Traditions Breaking a glass, Jumping the Broom, and passing under a saber arch are all wonderful customs which honor relatives and loved ones and are said to bring good luck to the happy couple. If you decide to participate in family or religious traditions, be certain it is something you want to get involved in. If you don't want to walk down the aisle with an M16 slung across the bodice of your dress (because your soon-to-be father-in-law insists his family defends itself against the "coming racial Holy war") then you don't have to. Don't let "Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue" spoil your silhouette.
4. Choosing a Location Indoor or Outdoor? Catastrophic environmental and meteorological incidents such as supertornadoes, megatsunamis, and hypercanes can cause devastating winds, tidal waves, and biblical flooding, while earthquakes and extreme volcanoes can decimate cities and shatter continents. Not only can this muss expensive hair-dos, ladies, it will ruin wedding pictures. Select an area on high ground in a concrete reinforced structure while avoiding seismically challenged cities and active fault zones. Beach weddings are out; but submarine theme-weddings are in!
(Jack Kurtz Photogrpahy)
5. The Mani/Pedi "The day before, or the day of?" Typically, taking care of your nails the day before will allow the polish to dry properly and alleviate any last-minute stress the morning of the blessed event. What if your wedding day happens to fall on the same day as a weaponized anthrax missile attack? You try putting on a gas mask with wet nails!
6. Catering Sit-down or buffet? A worldwide nuclear holocaust could be triggered through a variety of means: terrorism, searing aggression among superpowers, or simple human error. A five-course dinner could be troublesome if your guests are to attempt evacuation. If you have a suitable Civil Defense shelter why not consider a buffet? Buffets cut down on extraneous catering staff (fewer moral decisions about who can stay in your shelter); and mini quiches will fit nicely into pockets and purses.
7. Alcohol Open bar or cash bar? Beer and wine or full bar? No wedding would be complete without alcohol, and a well-stocked bar guarantees a magical reception in any situation. An asteroid, meteor, or comet strike could cause unspeakable worldwide devastation and no one wants to face that without a drink in hand. Heavy up on the booze.
8. DJ or Band? World takeover by artificial intelligence might seem like science-fiction, but you really don't know what the government is doing. While you've been thinking about the guest list, fussy computer machines are reading classical Latin and building weapons. Soon they could be sporting consciousness and learning to hate us. You don't want to be dancing "The Electric Slide" when the machines become self-aware; and a live band won't defend you from the unstoppable murderbot armies. DJs are economical--but more band members means more people for the robots to kill, hopefully giving you some time to change out of your dress and get away.
9. The Wedding Cake Finding just the right cake for your dream day is one of the highlights of planning a wedding. "But what if my wedding is in the middle of a worldwide viral hemorrhagic fever pandemic?" It's hard enough to settle on design and flavor, but it's even worse finding a cake maker who isn't suffering from icky hematemesis. In order to avoid infecting your guests, seek out reputable cake companies in uncontaminated areas. Carrot, orange, ginger, and hazelnut cakes harmonize well with most HAZMAT suits.
(BBC News Asia)
10. The After-Party Once you've taken care of every last detail it's time to decide whether to continue partying or take shelter in caves. Check with your maid-of-honor to see that your guests are well-attended; make sure everyone signs the guest register and has received their wedding favors (gas masks, walkie-talkies, Jordan Almonds), and frequently monitor radio and television broadcasts for emergency alerts. And don't forget to change out of your dress before the reception and store it properly.
The world can end at any moment, but your life as a couple is just beginning. Whether all human life is threatened by nuclear holocaust, geomagnetic pole reversal, or petulant bloodthirsty automatons chanting "Carthago delenda est!"--a strong healthy marriage is based upon communication and planning between you and your spouse. Your happiness and your survival depend on it. And if the world does end on your wedding day, remember--you won't have to pay for anything! Best wishes and good luck!
Shelly and Everett Fitzhugh (Photo: Nicki and Zack Gowan)
Originally featured on VICE.com, February 9, 2011/Updated February 28, 2023
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